Breaking Free from Perfectionism: How Black Women Can Let Go of Societal Pressure and Embrace Personal Freedom
Oct 30, 2024
As I stood in front of a room full of Black women at a corporate workshop, I could feel the weight of their shared experiences. The conversation started with a simple question: "How many of you feel the pressure to be perfect in all areas of your life?" Every hand went up. The nodding heads and sighs of recognition told me everything I needed to know. These women were tired—tired of constantly striving to be the best at work, the perfect mothers, the ideal friends, and the strong, unshakable pillars their families and communities could rely on. They were exhausted from trying to live up to the expectations of perfection that society had placed on them.
"I've been there," I told them, "and I understand the struggle. But perfectionism isn’t freedom; it’s a trap."
The Myth of Perfection for Black Women
For Black women, societal pressure to be perfect is deeply rooted in historical stereotypes. We are often expected to be resilient, nurturing, and endlessly capable—always strong, never vulnerable. These expectations don’t just come from outside; they are internalized, leading to a constant need to prove ourselves, whether in the boardroom or at home.
The idea that we need to be perfect in all areas of life is not only unrealistic but also harmful. Research shows that perfectionism is linked to mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and burnout (Smith et al., 2016). For Black women, who already face systemic racism and sexism, the additional burden of perfectionism can be overwhelming. This constant striving for perfection takes a toll on our personal freedom and mental well-being.
The Impact of Perfectionism on Personal Freedom
Perfectionism may seem like a motivator—it pushes us to work harder and achieve more—but in reality, it limits our personal freedom. When we are driven by the need to be perfect, we become trapped in a cycle of fear: fear of failure, fear of judgment, and fear of not being "enough." This fear prevents us from taking risks, being authentic, and living fully. It keeps us in a box, defined by society’s unrealistic standards rather than our own desires and goals.
During the corporate workshop, one woman shared how she constantly felt the need to overperform at work to prove her worth, despite already being the highest performer on her team. Another spoke about how she avoided pursuing her passion for writing because she feared her work wouldn’t be good enough. These women, like so many others, were missing out on opportunities for growth and joy because of perfectionism.
The Root of the Pressure: Historical and Cultural Expectations
The societal pressure for Black women to be perfect can be traced back to historical stereotypes like the “Strong Black Woman” trope. This stereotype suggests that Black women should be invulnerable, self-sufficient, and able to handle anything without showing weakness. While strength is a powerful trait, the expectation to be constantly strong is harmful. It leaves no room for vulnerability or self-care.
Dr. Moya Bailey’s concept of "misogynoir" (the unique intersection of racism and sexism faced by Black women) helps explain why these pressures are so pervasive. Black women not only face racial and gender discrimination but are also expected to overcome these challenges without showing any sign of struggle (Bailey, 2010). The result? Many of us internalize these expectations and push ourselves to meet them, even at the expense of our mental health and personal freedom.
The Cost of Perfectionism: Mental Health and Burnout
The mental health toll of perfectionism is well-documented. According to a study published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology, perfectionism is associated with increased levels of stress, anxiety, and depression (Hill et al., 2018). For Black women, the additional burden of racial and gender-related stress compounds these effects. Perfectionism can also lead to burnout, a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged stress (Maslach & Leiter, 2016).
In my therapy practice, I’ve seen how perfectionism manifests in Black women. One client, who I’ll call "Tasha" (name and details changed for privacy), was a high-achieving professional who seemed to have it all together. But beneath the surface, she was struggling. She spent hours perfecting every presentation, overextending herself to meet everyone’s needs, and constantly feeling like she wasn’t doing enough. Over time, her mental health suffered. She experienced anxiety, insomnia, and a deep sense of dissatisfaction, despite her many accomplishments.
What Tasha didn’t realize was that her perfectionism was holding her back. By constantly trying to meet external expectations, she was sacrificing her own happiness and well-being.
Practical Tips for Letting Go of Perfectionism
Letting go of perfectionism is not easy, especially when it has been ingrained in us by society. But it is possible. Here are some practical steps you can take to break free from the pressure to be perfect and embrace your personal freedom:
- Recognize Where Perfectionism Shows Up in Your Life
Start by identifying the areas where you feel the need to be perfect. Is it in your career, your relationships, or your appearance? Once you know where perfectionism is holding you back, you can begin to challenge those beliefs. - Challenge Unrealistic Expectations
Ask yourself: Are the expectations you’re placing on yourself realistic? Perfectionism often stems from setting unattainable standards. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging that it’s okay to make mistakes and that you don’t have to be perfect to be worthy. - Set Boundaries and Learn to Say No
Black women are often expected to take on multiple roles and responsibilities, both at work and at home. To avoid burnout, it’s important to set boundaries and learn to say no when necessary. This can be difficult, especially when you’re used to being the “strong one,” but it’s crucial for maintaining your mental health. - Prioritize Self-Care and Rest
Rest is revolutionary, especially for Black women who are constantly told to keep pushing. Prioritizing self-care and rest is an act of reclaiming your time and energy. Make time for activities that bring you joy and help you recharge. - Use the “Discover Your Personal Freedom” Worksheet
I created the Discover Your Personal Freedom Worksheet to help you reflect on where perfectionism may be holding you back. This worksheet will guide you through identifying the areas in your life where you feel restricted and help you create a plan to let go of perfectionist tendencies. You can download it HERE, or complete it online HERE to start your journey today.
The Journey Toward Personal Freedom
Letting go of perfectionism is not something that happens overnight. It’s a journey—one that requires patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to putting your well-being first. As Black women, we are often taught to prioritize the needs of others before our own, but it’s time to shift that narrative. You deserve to live a life that is free from the constraints of perfectionism—a life where you can embrace your true self, flaws and all.
As I wrapped up that corporate workshop, I could see the relief in the women’s faces. They realized they didn’t have to carry the burden of perfection alone. They didn’t have to be everything to everyone. And neither do you.
By letting go of the pressure to be perfect, you can reclaim your personal freedom and create a life that is authentic, fulfilling, and joyful.
Embracing Imperfection as a Path to Freedom
The societal pressure for Black women to be perfect is a heavy burden, but it is one that we do not have to carry. Perfectionism limits our personal freedom, but by recognizing and challenging these unrealistic expectations, we can break free. It’s time to let go of the myth of perfection and embrace the power of imperfection.
Your worth is not defined by your ability to be perfect—it's defined by your ability to be you.
References
Bailey, M. (2010). Misogynoir: The unique experiences of Black women facing racism and sexism. Journal of Intersectional Studies.
Hill, A. P., Mallinson-Howard, S. H., & Jowett, G. E. (2018). Perfectionism in relation to mental health and well-being: A systematic review. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 65(2), 188-202.
Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Burnout: A multidimensional perspective. Journal of Applied Psychology, 71(1), 297-317.
