METAMORPHOSIS

One of the things I do as a consultant and specialist in domestic violence is help employers address DV in the workplace. One study showed 74 percent of victims reported that an abusive partner showed up at the victim’s workplace and caused a scene. Does your office have policies to not only help employees who are struggling with domestic violence issues but to also keep them and you safe? If not please read this article that describes some of the deadly and costly consequences of having an abuser follow the victim to work.  Encourage your employer to create a safe environment for everyone. Read about how deadly domestic violence can be at the work place here. Find out more about intimate partner abuse in the workplace here

Abusers and victims often misunderstand jealousy as a sign of love. Jealously is a feeling that arises when you suspect your partner in a relationship is being unfaithful or when you feel like your rights to something you own are being challenged. Healthy relationships are built on trust. Until you have given a partner a reason not to trust you, trust should be automatic. Abusers often accuse their victims of violating trust without tangible evidence. Often they use jealousy as a basis for manipulating victims into isolating themselves from friends. Prolonged, intense or frequent jealousy is a sign that an abuser views his victim as a possession not an independent autonomous adult. When jealousy appears in a healthy relationship, if neither partner has given the other a real reason to be jealous, partners are able to talk about the feeling and develop a solution together. Be especially wary of jealousy that is expressed early in a relationship before commitments are made.

When Ellen went on her third date with a man she met through mutual friends she noticed that he seemed annoyed for most of the evening. On the way home she asked him if he was ok and he told her that he wished she did not dress so provocatively because men in the restaurant kept looking at her. That was their last date.

From: Metamorphosis: Journaling the path from Domestic Violence Victim to Victor

Purchase your copy here

Reading the story of another survivor’s “long road from surviving to thriving” can help survivors at the begging of such a road find strength and faith. Reading the same story can help those who have never been victims understand that the hardest part is often not leaving but all that comes after one has left. In either case this story of one woman’s “long road from surviving to thriving” is an excellent account of many of the challenges faced by victims rebuilding their lives and how therapy can provide support along the way.

Dozens of women in bridal gowns and men wearing black walked a seven-mile route through Washington Heights, Harlem, East Harlem and sections of the Bronx to raise awareness of domestic violence, on the anniversary of the death of a local woman who was murdered by an ex-boyfriend.

The annual event, organized by New York Latinas Against Domestic Violence, is named for Gladys Ricart, who was shot and killed by her ex-boyfriend on September 26, 1999, hours before she was supposed to marry someone else.

Read more and see the video here

Healthy relationships proceed at a pace that allows both partners to get to know each other and gradually grow in affection. Abusers often court in a world wind fashion moving things along quickly to living together, engagement or marriage within six months or less. Abusers often pressure victims by stating intense feelings and making the victim feel guilty if she wants to slow things down or end the relationship. As an autonomous adult, you have the right to proceed at a pace that feels right to you even if someone else is moving faster. In a healthy relationship partners respect each other’s rights to develop feelings at their own pace and give each other space with out pressure to fall in or out of love.

Gerald saw Maya in passing when he visited her office for a meeting. He asked around until he found out who she was and then pursued Maya for weeks. Maya did not think she was ready to date but after receiving flowers at work every day for three weeks, some hand delivered by the tall handsome lawyer, she succumbed. One month later Gerald proposed marriage. Maya was stunned, but liked Gerald, so she said yes. She soon broke up with him because he was pressuring her to get married in the next few months; she wanted to have a long engagement to give them a chance to get to know each other.

From: Metamorphosis: Journaling the path from Domestic Violence Victim to Victor

Purchase your copy here

In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness month Mary Kay® is premiering a series of documentaries to put a national spotlight on the cause. Women nationwide, alongside female celebrities, Maria Menounos (”Extra”), JoAnna Garcia Swisher (”Better with You”), Alexa Vega (”Spy Kids”) joined forces through the Mary Kay Inspiring Stories program to unite their voices to make a difference. Mary Kay® encourages millions to join in the fight against domestic violence from September 28th through October 31st at MaryKayInspiringStories.com. With each view we can change the future of domestic violence today.

Read more about the campaign here

Watch the inspiring videos here

A common personality trait of abusers is the inability to take responsibility for their problems and ownership for their feelings. Whatever challenges they have in life are the fault of others. At the same time they may attribute others with the power to control their emotions, to make them feel “angry.” This personality trait is a big problem in relationships because people who do not take responsibility for their behaviors, do not take ownership of their feelings. Generally they feel powerless and are more likely to try to gain power over others. In addition, people who do not take responsibility for their actions, never see the need to make changes in their behavior because the problems are always someone else’s fault.

Renee dated Clive for almost a year before he lost his job. She felt bad for him so she took him out to dinner in an attempt to make him feel better. She noticed as he talked about the situation that not only was he blaming everyone else, but that he had been fired from two previous jobs for the same thing. As we analyzed their relationship in therapy she realized that Clive did not take responsibility when he made mistakes in their relationship either. Renee stated that she remembered one time when he misplaced his keys after spending the night at her house. The keys were eventually located in his workbag. He blamed her for distracting him and making him late for work. The more she thought and talked about the relationship the more Renee realized that Clive always blamed someone else. She decided that she deserved a partner that would be able to acknowledge his mistakes and alter his behavior. Clive attempted to make Renee feel guilty about not leaving him by saying things like “I lost my job now you are going to leave me, too.” Renee decided to let him be responsible for his behavior and take responsibility for her happiness.

The film SIN BY SILENCE, which will be airing on Investigation Discovery (ID) on October 17^th.

SIN BY SILENCE follows the stories of several women who have been sentenced to extremely lengthy jail terms for killing their abusive partners, often in self-defense, yet are punished sometimes longer than rapists.

Spread the word about the film, so that people around the world can see the need to change these sentencing policies to accommodate for the complexities of abuse.

There is a petition set up for one of the women featured in the film, Joanne Marchetti, to urge her release on parole after 21 years of imprisonment. 681 people have already signed the petition; will you help increase that number?

Unrealistic expectations and/ or rigid gender roles–

An abuser will expect his partner to meet his ideal of the perfect wife, mother, lover and friend. He may expect his partner to meet all of his needs. It is unrealistic in a relationship to expect anyone to fit your ideal or meet all your needs. In healthy relationships partners accept each other for who they are and have friends and family to fulfill the needs not met in the relationship.

Lisa knew Warren was a potential abuser because he spent most of the time during their few dates detailing what he expected in a woman rather than trying to get to know the woman in front of him.

From: Metamorphosis: Journaling the path from Domestic Violence Victim to Victor

Purchase your copy here

The Safe Homes Project 18th Annual Brooklyn Domestic Violence Remembrance Vigil October 14, 2011, 6:30-8:30 Beginning outside P.S. 321, 7th Ave & 1st St, Brooklyn, rain or shine Concluding at Park Slope United Methodist Church 6th Ave & 8th St. We will light a candle for Officer Alain Schaberger and 18 others, who have lost their lives in Brooklyn this past year due to domestic violence Special guest speaker: author and psychologist Dr. Adwoa Akhu, a survivor of domestic violence who worked with Safe Homes and will share her story with us. http://drakhu.com/ Special musical performance: Gabriella Callender from Mahina Movement performing her melodies that tell stories of the personal and political wrapped with courage, strength and awareness. www.mahinamovement.com For further information, please contact 718-499-2151 or visit our website: www.safehomesproject.org Flier and Press Release attached Please forward widely. Until every home is a safe home!